I have been in better places than I am now

   It's true, I feel pretty shitty. Look at me, alone and sitting in my pajamas blogging on valentine's day. How much worse can it get?
   I don't know how to feel but if I had to chose, I'd have to pick abandoned. He was everything that a girl dreams of. He gave me my first kiss, he showed me all kinds of firsts, and then he acted like he'd rather just not talk to me... I wish he would, because everyone deserves to talk to the first boy they love right?...
   But I've been in worse places, I've been told straight up to leave. At least this time there's a mystery about it. A chance that things could go well, or at least better than worse.
   All I want to do is see him again. I hate him, but I love him, and I want to kill him but at the same time, all I want to do is curl up in his arms and kiss him... I hate that he has made me feel so insecure, so sad, confused, alone, unwanted, and caused me so much pain, but if someone asked me if I could be with anyone in the world who would it be, I would say him and there's nothing else about it. No matter how torn up I feel and am, I will always come back to him and beg for him and yearn for him and all the horrible glory that he is.
   But sitting, all I want to do is get over him for both of our sakes... But I know in the pessimistic part of my heart that can never happen. But the least I can do for him is hide the feelings that cause so much upset and pretend my heart isn't breaking, and that can't be too hard... After all, wearing a painted smile is sometimes easier then spending all your time trying to find reason for a genuine one.
   I want to stop crying, I want to have a good day and smile and laugh and have great reason to, but I don't... And I can't.