You may not ever read this...

   You may not ever read this, half of me hopes you won't but part of me wishes you would... But I know when I'm clingy and I know when I bother and I must say I'm worse than honey today.
   I am confused. There, I said it. I am confused and frightened. Because you told me that you were not ashamed of me, and to not get that screwed up. But you were drunk, and I wonder sometimes... All day if you just did that because of the alcohol... Did you? You called me darling, though you always did, this time felt different to me. Did it for you? Or am I playing stupid games that I can never win?
   Never mind. I know I can never win. What a silly think to think, when you are you and I am who I am... And will always be.
   Am I a brown paper bag? If you know what I mean... Tell me the truth. I need it. But my darling, I thought of you differently, and now I am confused and frightened.
   I am confused, because I thought you didn't like me back, and that is why I called you big brother. So I could love you and you wouldn't have to love me back, in a way that I could deal with. And I truly loved you like my brother. In so many wonderful ways. But now I feel differently. I feel that I am falling, and I'm trying not to. For your sake, because I know how you would think of me as a nuisance if I fell head over heels in love with you like I want to... Like I want to so badly. And I'm sorry, I truly am sorry for wanting to love you even though I know how that would ruin everything. Will you ever forgive me if I slip in my grasp for staying above this red and pink ocean and fall under with hormones and beats from my betraying heart like thunder ringing in my ears with your breath and wishing for another kiss that probably will never come? Could you ever forgive such a sin? Could you ever forgive and forget what I've done, or more like what I want to do but am trying not to? Will you tell me my..friend, will you ever forgive me for being attached to you?
   Now on to why I'm frightened, its as simple as this: I am frightened that you led me astray, and that I fell for something stupid and got my hopes up and wasted my first and most of all gave you my kiss... I am frightened that you don''t give a damn, and I'm frightened that you'll never want to see me again... I'm frightened that I won't want to see you again... But I do. And I want you. Against every knowledge in my head and breast that I can not have you, still I yearn for you with the strength that I first had, only now it makes me ache. I ache for you to have your home back. I ache for you to (though it pains me) see your girlfriend. I ache for you to tell me the truth... But I'm frightened that I'll only want to hear the sugar coated lies... If the truth is not what I want to hear... Part of me wants to tell you to lie to me. Tell me what I want to hear. But the other side wants the truth and nothing but the possibly cruel heart breaking truth, and all the possible tears that come with it.
   I am sorry for feeling this way. I'm sorry that I'll probably make you read this, and I'm sorry I'm compulsively blogging about you. But its the only way I know how to deal with this, and my heart just needs to know that you meant it when you called me darling... When your lips found mine in the dark... When you accepted my gift and tucked it away... And I want to know the truth... But at the same time, the lies would have to be sweet enough to hide the harrowing darkness that looms, threatening to take me over and crash me to the floor like you did that day, when I truly thought we bonded more than we ever had.
   I am sorry that I am so attached, I really don't mean to be. But you never messaged me back on facebook, and now this is the only way I can keep from crying. I ache, inside and out. And I want to tell you some things. But not sure if you don't want to talk to me, makes saying these things all the more difficult and I am so bashful that I don't think I could bring myself to say anything... Even if given the chance to tell you, I'm not sure if I would. Because I only want you to like me, which I know you never can, when I told you I did that first time, all you said was "Oh..." and now I sit and wait and shake and hope to everything I can that even if you think it was a mistake that first of all: I can let go...which just might tear the stitches from my heart... and two: that if you read this, you won't hate me. You'll still be my friend, and you can forgive and forget... though I'll never forget... Though can you blame me?
   I'm sorry that your words still ring in my head, but I can't make it stop. You can replace these soft wind chime ringings with harsh toned gong bells, if that's what you'd like, but only you can be the one to make me leave what i feel behind... If i must...
   I'm sorry I am such a geek and I was probably lousy and such a mistake and I'm sorry this post is so creepily obsessive and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. think of something I could possibly be sorry for, and I probably would be. ans I'm sorry for that too.
   "There's your kiss darling..."